Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize