The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
