giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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