Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
pray to the hookup gods
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
