I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
