Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
