well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
