what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
