did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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