I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
