What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
