I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
