I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
