Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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