my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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