Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize