I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize