Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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