Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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