I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize