operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
