On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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