I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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