when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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