I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
