You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize