Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
