oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
