dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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