I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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