I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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