Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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