the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
