Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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