On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
