Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
