Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
