oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
