We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
