Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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