I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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