If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
