If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
