I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
