Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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