On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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