Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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