i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
