Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I could fuck to npr.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
