some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
