I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
