Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
