im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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