if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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