i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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