i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we're making bets on your personal life
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
