I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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