Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
