I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
