Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
